Captain Douglas "Red Beard" Irwin - This is a serious problem and must be addressed as such. For this reason I have come up with three possible solutions that we, as a group (sans Kenny), must genuinely consider. As most everyone knows, there are many aging members on the trip, and one extra item could be the proverbial ninja throwing star that broke the geezer's back. So, to prevent any broken bones on the trip, let's review our options.
Option 1 - Let Kenny take all his gear so long as he has a tow-behind storage canoe. A small tow-behind canoe is usually used to store cold beverages in; however, it would also work nicely as a gear depository. As the trip wears on and Kenny's gear ends up scattered about in other group's canoes, we will simply gather the items and deposits them into the storage canoe as we pass Kenny's canoe. Kenny will also be in charge or portaging this canoe.
Option 2 - Again, let him bring as much as he likes, but as we reach shore and prepare for a portage, each group must search their canoe for gear belonging to Kenny. A pile of Kenny's stuff will then be left on shore. Kenny has the option to pick up that gear only after helping his partner transport their canoe and gear to the end of the portage. This will require as extra trip unless Kenny can carry his share plus the extra item(s). If Kenny does not want to make this extra trip or carry his own gear, he will forfeit the right to it and the gear will be up for auction. If Kenny wants it back at trip's end, he will have to buy or trade to get it back.
Option 3 - When Kenny arrives the other veteran He-men will gather in a circle, whilst being served food and drink by the rookie He-man wanna-bes. Kenny will then bring all of his gear into the circle and will have to try to explain why he needs it on the trip. The group will spout their rebuttals to which Kenny can retort for a limited amount of time. Afterward, there shall be a quick yay/nay vote on whether or not the item will be allowed. Any item seen on the trip that was not allowed will be confiscated. The item will be available for all other He-men. If no one wants the item, it will be left behind. .
Ron (The Old STUD He-Man) Roloff - The boy must grow up. He brings he carries, there be no mama's boys on this trip .
Dave - Kenny is always whining about bringing a kayak. Let him bring his own kayak and gear. All portages he has to haul his gear by himself. If he is left behind - oh well, the campsite will smell nicer that way. .
Jacob Malewicki - Scratch the canvas backpack and the cardboard case and put the beer in a cooler that floats. People are always willing to help a brother out when it comes to carrying beer .
Pvt. Joker (Kenny) - Don't worry I'll only wear bike shorts this year. Happy now? But to be environmentally friendly, I'll use a barrel instead of cans.
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Dan Irwin- Well first off id get a proper case for the beer!! I mean thats alcohol abuse man! now a good way to stop him from overpacking on the first day... plain and simple, shock collar! .
Jesse - He-Man worthy? Please Don't be to quick to judge I think we all know that Kenny has proven himself to be a He-Man in many ways; however, it is this behavior that leads us to a question. Does a He-man push his burdens onto others? Kenny's disturbing pattern of expecting others to carry his gear could lead to a serious issue. If not properly dealt with we could find Kenny demonstrating other non-He-Man like actions. It is by my worry for kenny that I insist we must take action. This lack of He-man behavior must be purged or it will spread like a virus. .
George - A little common sense would go a long way here. Oh wait - this is Kenny we're talking about. Not sure if there is a solution to this one. .
Boyd - We each donate one item for Kenny to carry (that includes George's beer cooler).
Zach - Well, a teleportation device could work if all objects stayed in one position until the second one was set up. However; this sounds as if the clothing items end up in different canoes before the portage takes place, in order to take care of this before it begins a policy should be created by the leaders of the trip that a canoe embargo be set up so that only canoes that join in the illegal trading will be to blame for the additional luggage.
Captain Douglas "Red Beard" Irwin - Let's not forget that George was absent from the prior year's He-man trip. Based on the tactics that I witnessed, I am almost certain that George spent that extra time reading the text written by the great Sun Tzu (Sun Zi). That's right, George now has the knowledge of Master Sun that he acquired from reading "The Art of War". The lessons learned in these writings can be used in many areas of life. George carefully planned how he could leverage his old age as an excuse, then he carefully picked people that were gullible enough to fall for his lies, or foolish enough to want to chase glory in any way. He knew he was no match for Al or Boyd in the log split, but he also knew that Dan would look for any opportunity to show off his strength. Well played George. Later he talked Kenny into sitting out of events on Saturday to 'save himself' for glory in a later event. George then found a partner who was less top heavy and easier to maneuver through the Crazy Beaver Island Race. Kenny bought it and Brady was desperate for a partner. Win, win, win. Furthermore, George finally embraced his partner, that he had yet to paddle on this trip, in the one event he knew he needed him most: The Lake Race. He waited until the canoe would be fully loaded, negating Kenny's top-heaviness, and his partner was fully rested, to call upon his strength and stamina. The rest of us were no match for this carefully planned assault. This is what we can learn: George is manipulating and to fit the theme of the trip, acted as Katniss Everdeen would have by using people when he needed to and discarding them when they were no longer needed. .
Ron (The Old STUD He-Man) Roloff - If you don't eat meat you need a lot of help. .
Dave - I had a dream last night that George hid my canoe before a big trip. I woke up very angry. I had to look in my garage to make sure he did not take it. Just shows what kind of guy George is. .
Jacob Malewicki - My back hurts this year.. .
Pvt. Joker (Kenny) - George is a... Born leader? Yeah it was delegating authority, yeah that's it! .
Dan Irwin- We can learn that back problems can lead to many victories so long as the "injured" man has some political skills and the youngins are naive enough to help out the poor old vegetarian. .
Jesse - I know that we often blame George's shortcomings on the fact that he is a vegetarian but we must consider the fact that by doing so we are giving George an out. I think that George himself, must realize that it is time for him to renew his manliness.No matter if we are a Vegetarian, omnivore, or carnivore we must all maintain a state of proper manliness. This proper state does not include making others feel sorry for you for the purpose of self gain. Until George accomplishes this renewal we must all ask ourselves if we believe George to be trustworthy? .
George - Some men are true He-men. They can still triumph despite injury. Perhaps a display of the Olympic rings and a gold medal are in order. .
Boyd - My back hurts and I need help!!! .
Zach - If you have a bad back the best will win the competition for you. (have a bad back to win). .
3) A tragic incident happened for Doug during the trip. He lost his wedding ring. If that was you, how would you explain the loss of your wedding ring to your wife?Captain Douglas "Red Beard" Irwin - Well honey, my other wife, Gaea or mother earth, didn't like that I had a symbol of being tied down to just you on my finger. She waited until the most opportune time to rip it from me and bury it forever. It was not my choice and I now fear the consequences of wearing a wedding ring in her presence. .
Ron (The Old STUD He-Man) Roloff - Ring what ring, oh that ring! aaa dear, we had a little problem, was it insured? .
Dave - I would cut my ring finger off and say that a Muskie bit off my ring finger during the trip. .
Jacob Malewicki - I would come home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and an expensive bottle of wine. I would look my beautiful wife in the face with my best puppy dog eyes and say, " Wife, you know I love you more then anything on this planet, but I have unfortunately lost the precious ring you gave me on our wedding day" She would reply, "I'm surprised it lasted this long. Put those flowers in a vase and meet me in the shower." .
Pvt. Joker (Kenny) - We should've all called Mrs. Irwin and told the truth, it fell off tipping the dancer? Btw by the time I see you guys I just might be married. Kathy doesn't have to worry about me....after all her engagement ring was a .32cal Beretta auto. Needless to say I'd not risk her wrath. Lol .
Dan Irwin- Well you obviously cant just say i lost it... there must be a long drawn out story that shows how there was nothing you could do to stop the ring from leaving your finger and how it had to be done to save the heman trip. but im not Todd so i wont bore you all with a novel that does just that. .
Jesse - The only proper explanation is simply "He-Man" however, this must be followed quickly with a "Sorry Dear" and many "Yes Dear"'s. .
George - Did he lose it on the trip or did he lose it off at the establishment that Bob and Mike used to stop at on the way up to He-Man. This is looking pretty suspicious to me. .
Boyd - Honey, I lost in poker and it was either giving up my wedding ring or paddling with Kenny...` .
Zach - We were canoeing, and we flipped. As I was getting back to the canoe seaweed caught my ankle and the current pulled me under. Hitting the lake entrance's floor I grabbed a boulder to push myself up. Getting the seaweed off I stretched my arm to start swimming for the surface when I realized that the boulder I had gripped was actually a giant oyster. It had closed its mouth and now was clamping my hand. Trying to pull my hand free I realized that the only thing that was keeping the oyster from crushing my hand was the ring. If I managed to pull the ring free with my hand then my fingers would be chopped off, so I pulled my hand through and escaped. We tried to find that oyster again, but we just couldn't find it. *Note: this takes the worry off of the ring and puts it on your life so she's happy that you're still alive and that the ring helped you to stay alive. .
4) Dan and Duck hit a sharp rock just below Boulder Lake - puncturing their aluminum canoe. Ron and Dave both paddled by, not believing they had a leak in their canoe. Dan and Duck were left far behind by the other 9 canoes with a canoe that was not useable. What would you have done in that situation?Captain Douglas "Red Beard" Irwin - Apply duct tape, paddle, stop whining. .
Ron (The Old STUD He-Man) Roloff - drink duck tape duck tape duck tape duck tape drink duck tape duck tape duck tape duck tape duck tape duck tape grog duck tape duck tape duck tape duck tape drink duck tape beef stick .
Dave - I would just paddle faster and pass all of the other canoes. Problem was that Dan and Duck we just too weak and slow. If they paddled fast enough, the water would not have come through the hole. .
Jacob Malewicki - Toss them some duct tape. They did it on Mythbusters once without even leaving their boat. .
Pvt. Joker (Kenny) - Used my signal flares? My cell phone? Oh right no phones allowed hmmmm? Smoke signals it is. .
Dan Irwin- Pull the canoe to shore lay back grab a beer and wait for Ron to paddle his old behind back up stream. .
Jesse - Nap time anyone? .
George - Duct tape is the solution for a punctured canoe. Duct tape can also be creatively used for dealing with Ron and Dave after they failed to help their fellow He-men. Use your imagination here. .
Boyd - Experienced he-men always carry duct tape and no hole is too large to repair with duct tape. .
Zach - Duct tape. Use to fix leak. If that does not work, make new canoe or raft with duct tape. As quoted: "If it can't be fixed with duct tape, then you're not using enough duct tape" (http://www.thomsontreks.com/blog/tag/duct-tape/). .